i had this thing where a friend from out of town posted on insta and i saw that she was in london. i messaged her with something like “oh someone’s in london” and she said “yes” which i somehow interpreted as a sort of flat “yes” rather than an excited “YES!!!” which sent me down this spiral of abandonment and rejection and feeling lonely, and lamenting the passing of time and how i didn’t make more of an effort with my friends, and telling myself i did the same when i was in the states in not reaching out to anyone, and that it’s ok, maybe she’s busy, maybe it’s covid and people are being cautious.
but it bummed me out, especially since one of the people i work with also hasn’t responded to my email calling him out on something, which, granted, i already did once before, but i just noticed a bunch of other mistakes, so maybe he’s like “whatever i don’t have time for this.”
anyway, my friend from out of town… so after some time of feeling sad, i google “self care tips” and find something about being a bigger person, and so i message her with “ah! would love to see you but i totally understand if you’re too busy” to which she responded with “of course i’m seeing you, i’m here for a few months, let me know when you’re free”
i know it sounds like a non-event but the funk that first “yes” put me in, where i questioned ALL of my friendships and thought i didn’t have any, and worried i would spend the rest of my life without friends and only family to keep me company… family i was slowly alienating... that was a real trip. moral of the story: i need to stop watching out for signs of rejection in other people as it’s a projection of my own self-loathing. if only there was a supplement for self-love.